Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Every Teenager Should See This

via youtube.com

Brain science shows us that in teenagers, the prefrontal cortex is not yet well integrated with other brain functions, and therefore they have difficulty with judgment, impulse control and reasoning. They tend to act without thinking, and are motivated by more primitive impulses-- reactive and seeking out easy solutions. My wish would be that they see this video and take it all in, but I know that's unlikely. Maybe perhaps, some of it will penetrate and they can make just one better decision....

Authentic Living, Part 1

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"It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not." (André Gide).....

This statement feels painful and confusing to me.  I know deeply, though, how apt it is and how becoming your true self involves wearing these words everyday.  Hopefully, to accept and live who we are doesn't involve being hated very often, but it does involve facing our fears of being hated and abandoned.  We are born to be attached and connected to others.  Loving and being loved is what we live for.  But this love often comes at a price.  As babies, attachment is what keeps us safe and cared for.  One of our greatest fears in life is being abandoned, particularly if we grow up in an environment where our individuality and difference is a source of dismay for our parents.  When parents, because of their own flaws and weaknesses, need us to be a particular way, or to fulfill their needs instead of attending to our own, then we grow ourselves around who they are, instead of who we are. In our fears of being ostracized, rejected or abandoned, we accomodate our own beings to others so unconsciously and so completely, that we become a series of experiences and behaviors rather than human beings connected to the deepest cores of ourselves.  A part of ourselves never gets to develop, and this loss contributes to a myriad of painful experiences, such as feelings of emptiness, loneliness, depression, anxiety, perfectionism, relationship difficulties, lack of success, addictions and self-destructive behavior.  I think that the question for life and for psychotherapy is: How do we fully become ourselves within the context of our relationships?  


via ScribeFire

Facing the Anxiety of Cancer

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It is no surprise that a diagnosis of cancer brings with it quite a bit of fearfulness and anxiety.  You are now facing a great threat to your whole experience of yourself and the world, as well as a threat to your survival.  You may experience a new existence of uncertainties and insecurities.  To deal with the anxiety that accompanies cancer, it is important to know that this is a very typical feeling, and that however unpleasant it is, it helps to accept that you are anxious.  When we panic about our anxiety, we create more anxiety, and this fearfulness becomes self-perpetuating.  Once you accept that you are anxious, and see it only as a state of mind, one of many possible states of mind, you can allow it to manifest itself and be dealt with.  One way of gaining control over your anxiety is to gain more control over your life.  One of the many facets of a cancer diagnosis are feelings of being out of control and helplessness.  I know that you may feel like you are riding a runaway train, going from doctor to doctor trying to get as much information as possible, feeling rushed and confused.  It is possible however, to slow down the train enough to feel like you are the train conductor, rather than being dragged along by the process.  It won't hurt your survival to have time to breath and think.  Give yourself time to think, time to take care of yourself, and time to connect with others that you care for.  Giving yourself time to breath, so that you can feel that you are the one running your life (rather than your life running you), allows you to feel more in control and calmer.  It helps to have enjoyable, positive experiences daily.  Further, although you may be afraid of burdening others, the people that care for you can often feel lost and helpless, not knowing how they can help.  They may therefore welcome being a sounding board and a support for you.  Additional ways of managing stress and anxiety is through relaxation techniques, visualization, hypnosis and meditation.  People manage anxiety in a multiplicity of ways.

Your Brain on Love!!

 

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Your Brain on Love!

The Biochemistry of Love’s Ecstasy and Agony

This Huffington Post article by  Glenn Braunstein (click above link), says so much, in so few words!  I’m just going to focus on one aspect of it that I found particularly interesting. The old song that featured the lyrics, (I’m dating myself, now), “Love Makes the World Go Round”, really got it right.  Love is a powerful consuming experience that is a complex interweaving of inner and outer experience. Love is a “drug” (as they say in another song), literally and figuratively.  What really got me thinking is this statement:  "Research into “the brain chemistry of love” indicates that when a person sees a potential mate, it takes as little as a fifth of a second for the brain to launch a complex “love-related” chain reaction involving multiple areas of the cortical and more primitive subcortical portions of the brain".   A fifth of a second to start falling in love?!?!??!!  Wow!  What happens in that fifth of a second to trigger the cascade of love potions in your brain? What could this possibly mean?  Well, I don’t know for sure what this means, however, it is fascinating to play and hypothesize about it.  Have you met your soulmate, the person you are fated to be with, and recognized him or her in that split second?  Are you primed to be attracted to a certain type of person based on your past history, and the emotional experience you have with this new love object triggers those original patterns and feelings?    You don’t have to be a psychologist to hold theories about what love is all about– we all have our theories.  And our personal theories of why and who we love, influence how we end up approaching it.  So, if I believe that these immediate feelings mean that I have met my soulmate–because why else would I feel this way–I will believe that this is fate, and will not look at the relationship with a lens that evaluates how it works for me.  If I believe I am only reenacting old patterns, I may be more cynical or skeptical about the feelings and tread more cautiously into the fray, particularly if I have been disappointed in the past.  If I believe that I have particular unmet longings and yearnings that are powerfully activated by how this other looks at me, I might believe that the experience of love is not so much “in” the lover, but is within me too, and I might try to think of ways to meet these needs rather than to feel that this one particular person is the only way I can feel met and loved.  I would then come to the relationship with a stance of mutuality and interdependence, rather than with a fearful sense of utter dependence.  What are your theories of love, where do they come from, and how do they influence your approach to love?

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Self-criticism and perfectionism vs. Self-Compassion


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via well.blogs.nytimes.com

You probably enjoyed Tara Parker-Pope's article from the NY Times (click above) about our need for self-compassion. Why aren't we easier on ourselves?  Why aren't we as compassionate toward ourselves as we are toward others?  There appear to be cultural influences on the critical eye we turn toward ourselves. The world is competitive, and we need to be disciplined to succeed:  the early bird catches the worm, you snooze, you lose....etc.  People fear that imperfection leaves them open to "losing" or to criticism and rejection.  The research indicates however that a little dose of self-compassion can go a long way, in lowered stress and sometimes improved performance (the research on weight loss cited in the article).  

Why is it so difficult to let go of these self-critical, perfectionistic voices that seem to rule our lives? Some object-relations theories seem to offer some insight on this process.  According to Fairbairn and Guntrip, each of us experiences trauma in some form or another when we are infants and on. This doesn't have to be major abuse, it can be small moments that occur that a baby can't process. This happens to everyone-- there are always moments that babies can't process, because they are babies, and because perhaps mother isn't able to help sooth them during those moments.  The more of these moments that we have, and the more mother isn't able to sooth them, then we develop patterns of expectation of the world, and ways of being that are designed to protect us from the disappointments and dangers that we expect from the world.  So there is a part of us that is always devoted to overcoming our feelings of weakness and vulnerability to ensure that we can't be hurt.  So, to always be strong, powerful, the one "on top", without needs, perfect and/or in control makes us feel that we are safe and above hurt.  We crack the whip at ourselves when we feel need, love or compassion.  It is a form of self-protection, although often a self-defeating one because of the level of stress, interpersonal disconnection and conflict that may result.  

We find it hard to let go of this stance because we are afraid.  So, beginning now, maybe the first step towards self-compassion you can make is to acknowledge your fear of the world, and be compassionate toward yourself for adopting these defenses.   Be compassionate for the young child that feels afraid, and doesn't know, yet, a better way for taking care of herself other than putting on mommy's stillettos and charging at the world.  

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